1. |
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Getting comfy at the bottom
‘Cause I’ve never been on top of anything
Weaning myself off the bottle of cynicism and apathy
Another existential crisis gonna….
1, 2, 3, 4
Getting sick of waking up at three p.m.
Oh, I haven’t seen the sun since god knows when
If this winter doesn’t kill me then I will
First step admitting there’s a problem
The next is...
To-do lists color-coded, drinking water, online applications
Brushing my teeth, quitting smoking
When the dread settles in
Push it out again
Don't let it win
In the quiet hours of the night
I can feel that something isn’t right
A chemical imbalance in my brain
It ebbs and flows but it never goes away
Getting comfy at the bottom and I am over it
First step admitting there’s a problem
The next step is…
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2. |
Hopeful//Scared
04:23
|
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I'm worried about my friends
’Cause they all feel stuck
In relationships or the towns where they grew up
I’m scared their drug-induced apathy won't last forever
I'm worried that it will
Avery said that they’re scared
'Cause everything is temporary
I said that I'm glad
'Cause everything sucks, eventually
I'm not being cynical
I've just seen everything get stale
If you don't circulate the air
My friend Kate had to move back in with her dad
This town ain’t no place for a kid
Who's struggling to make rent
I know we all make our own homes
Temecula is no place for personal growth
But you already know that
Security is complacency
Comfort’s a white flag
Please don't give up yet
I'm not saying everyone should run away from home
But if you stay cause you feel there's nowhere to go
Well I think you should try
Pack your Jansport bag full of books and snacks
Like you’re 12 years old
You know you're never coming back
Don't tell anyone why
If you're not feeling hopeful
If you're not feeling scared
What are you doing here?
It's the feeling you get when you've got a crush
Or at the edge of the cliff before you take the plunge
A little bit hopeful, a little bit scared
Hopeful, scared
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3. |
Internet Ads
05:22
|
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Those personalized ads on the internet
That track all your search history
They try to show you what you're likely to buy
They no more than my closest friends and family
‘Cause I'm getting ads for Victoria’s Secret
“Buy one bra get one more free”
They say lingerie as a present is selfish
I guess that it's true
‘Cause I buy it for me
I used to keep some of my secrets
In a box under my bed
With a letter that said I was sorry
Just in case I was ever found dead
I used to wish I could just hide away
In a hole that I dug in my room
I’d sit and play games and my body would change
Until I could come out and face you
The dark is a great place to start when you're scared
Of the way the your skin will react to the light of the sun
I’m coming out slowly with mammoth explosions
Don't care who knows it or maybe I do
And that’s all right
You don’t have to give up your cave if the sun’s still too bright
Some days we’re strong and others we’re scared
And others we promised ourselves we’d be strong
But felt vastly unprepared
Those personalized ads on my browser
See nothing at all wrong with me
And it’s kind of refreshing to be so accepted
Even if all they’ll except is my money
I hope I get caught
I hope I‘m found out
I don’t really care if you know
At least that is what I’m telling myself in the morning
As I close the blinds to my window
So I’m not afraid of that box in my bedroom
Though I offer no repentance
Even though every time I try to tell you the truth
I trail off at the end of my…
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4. |
Sweaters In Summer
03:42
|
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I don't wanna go outside today
'Cause it's getting really hot
You said “we should go swimming”
Said you knew the perfect spot
I lie and say “I'm too busy to hang out today.”
I don't wanna leave the house today
'Cause the sun is way too bright
No, I can't just wear a t-shirt
So I'll wrap my hoodie tight around me
Spend the whole fucking summer
Blasting the A/C
No one wants to be the kid at the river
With a t-shirt on
I don't wanna be the girl with a tan face and pale arms
No one wants to be the kid who's afraid to go outside
I think of all the friends I've had
And the ones I never made
Parties to which I could've gone
But I don't cause I'm afraid
I lie and say “I'm too busy to hang out today.”
I think of the girls I've liked
And the ones I'll never meet
Most of the chances that I've missed
Are the ones I didn't take
I just can't believe anyone would wanna talk to me
I just can't believe anyone would wanna be with me
No one talks to the girl at the party sitting all alone
Playing her guitar in the corner or staring at her phone
No one wants to talk to the girl
Staring silently at the wall
So I said:
This year's gonna be different
I'll talk to anyone I think looks cool at all
This year's gonna be different
I’ll go swimming at the river wearing nothing at all
This year's gonna be different
I'm done being too afraid to leave the house at all
This year's gonna be different
Uh-huh
'Cause I'm finally the kid at the river without a t-shirt on
I'm finally the girl at the party not staring at her phone
You know if I think you're cool
Well I'm gonna fucking talk to you
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5. |
(Giving Up Interlude)
03:12
|
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I've got this feeling and I can follow it
Across dozen of state lines
Just drop in on my friend's lives
And I could stay but I'd eventually find my way
Back to this endless, barren stretch of interstate
I could cry in the car
To a song that isn't sad
And you can tell that I don't know what I'm doing
I don't know where I'm going or where I'm at
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6. |
Giving Up
03:23
|
|||
I've got problems I've been avoiding them
Feeling lost and alone again
Kinda feel like giving in
It's so easy to let everyone down
Let myself down
This time around maybe I can figure out
All the freedom in the world is worthless
When you're living day to day without a purpose
All my happiness is shit
I didn't earn it
I don't deserve it
Well I've got this dream where I give up on everything
Sell everything I own and move to the woods alone
But I am so over giving up
So tired of quitting
So sick of believing
That I can't do all the things I need to do
That I can't see anything through
|
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7. |
Gender Is Boring
04:59
|
|||
I never wanted to be a princess
I never asked anyone to braid my hair
I never asked my mom to buy me things that I saw on the TV marketed towards girls
I never wanted to wear a dress
And I was never obsessed
With the color pink, sparkling things
Unicorns, fairy wings
Gender never really meant that much to me
Until people started telling me how I was supposed to be
Until the people that I loved started to say
“Boys don’t act that way”
You see the problem I have with gender
Is that I'm not even sure whether
I know what I mean when I say “I'm a girl because I feel that way”
'Cause boys can wear dresses and makeup
Anyone can wear whatever they want
Girls can have short hair and muscles
And that's where I run into trouble
'Cause if I use “she” pronouns, well, what does that mean?
Am I reinforcing a gender binary?
That I don't believe in?
That I don't adhere to?
I say I’m a woman, what’s that supposed to tell you?
Gender doesn't tell you a damn thing about me
It doesn’t tell you what I like or how I act, it doesn't tell you how I speak
The people you love, they don't love you if they say
“Boys don’t act that way”
I think it's time that our culture moves past
This toxic notion that the way we act
Is dictated at birth or that we have to choose
It's an imposed binary, either way we lose
So do what you want
And dress how you feel
Don't let anyone tell you that gender is real
It's useless, oppressive, and boring
Worthless, hurtful, and stifling
I think it's time that we put it in its place
So come on let's put gender into an early grave
I never again want to hear anyone say
“Boys don’t act that way”
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8. |
Family
05:33
|
|||
We speak, we talk
Yeah, we hang out a lot
And you don't use my name
Yeah, you don't use my name
You think I don't notice how you guard your tongue?
And we're always alone
Yeah, we're always alone
I thought it'd be different
I thought if anyone would understand
I thought that you would understand
But you don't
This isn't being supportive
You’re acting like nothing's changed
Don't you know that everything's changed?
I’ll never be the same again
It's a secret you don't tell your friends
But if you ever wanna be close again
You have to accept that this is who I am
I'm not your boy and I never was
I'm still your kid, yeah, you're still my dad, but I'm not your son
I'm not ashamed but I'm afraid you are
Everyone's got in line, but you've fallen behind so far
It's a secret you don't tell your friends
But if you ever wanna be close again
You have to accept that this is who I am
Don't need apologies, don't need words
Need you show me what family is worth
'Cause from what I can see
It's not worth anything at all
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||||
9. |
||||
Is that what you remember? Is that what you’ve taken out of this?
We build our narratives, the stories of our lives
If you want yours to be a tragedy, that's fine.
You won't remember this face in twenty years
I will be older, I am changing all the time
You may not see this face for twenty years
I am transitioning to a life without you
I don’t wanna keep talking about it
How you can’t understand how I feel
If you can’t find the space inside of your heart for me
Well, that’s fine.
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10. |
Nvr Pass
03:45
|
|||
Never felt less alone than I do right now
Never more like I was out of the closet
The only thing that seems worse than never coming out
Is the thought of having to get back in it
I'll never pass
I lived my whole damn life as a doll on a shelf
Occasionally taken down to be passed around
I was told all the time how to be a man
Fit a mold, cut your hair, we'll tell you what to wear
I don't want to spend the rest of the life I have
Trying to squeeze into a box that's even smaller
The only difference I could find is it's painted pink
It's not the color I don't like
It's the obligation
And I don't have an obligation
To anyone but myself
So I'll probably never pass
Seems more like hiding than being who I am
I'll probably never pass
I'd rather live my life visibly trans
I'll never pass
I'll never pass
Not like I would want to anyway!
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11. |
||||
Some days
If I could give it all up you know I would
If I could trade pissing behind a rest stop in kansas
In fear of the looks of road-tripping families and truckers
For a college degree and comfort in my assigned gender
You know that I would
No one really gets to choose the person they are
I did not get to choose how I was born
I won't choose how I die
I will probably always live in doubt
For the remainder of my life
That the choices I am making just aren't right
But most days
I feel stronger and more beautiful all the time
I am more confident and self aware than I have ever been in my life
I am happy to be happy with all of my faults
I am content to be content with all of my flaws
No one really gets to choose the person they are
I did not get to choose how I was born
But I can choose how I’m living
I will probably always harbor some doubts
But mostly I feel fine
In fact I feel fantastic
I am living with enthusiasm
Reckless abandon
I wouldn't trade my life with anyone
I wouldn't give this up for anything
I think I finally love myself
Nothing and no one can ever take that away from me
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She/Her/Hers Lansing, Michigan
She/Her/Hers is Emma grrrl and friends.
Gender is Boring.
Kill The Boy Band
Don Giovanni Records
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